Mediocracy.

Being 25 is a funny thing.
Stuck between being an adult and white knuckling the grip on our youth.
I am single. Never thought I’d say that at this age. I had so many plans.
Married by 23. Kids by 25.
That’s not the reality of the outcome.
Single. In school full-time. I’m going to be a nurse.
Working part-time. Living with my best friend.
What a weird feeling it is, to have nothing play out the way you had imagined.
The way you dreamt.
How you prayed for.
Begged for.
Wished on every star since about 8 years old.
As I get older, I fall more in love with myself.
But, it’s a double-edged sword. It can make a person ridged, stuck in contentment.
Yes, of course I am lonely. But, I am damn proud to be me.
I guess, my theory is…
If someone else can’t see me, really see me, then I am not interested.
Mediocracy has never been my style.
Some say my standards are high. Some say they’re unattainable.
Some say, “Be more realistic.”
I giggle and nod my head. “Yea probably.”
But on the inside my soul smiles – a mischievous smile.
I am happy.
I don’t need to succumb to the ever evolving “standard” I call complacency.
“Why is a girl as pretty as you still single?”
“You’ll meet someone, you have so much going for you.”
It’s sick to think sometimes that I find reassurance in these words.
Having a man does NOT define me.
I define me.
& no this is not a battle cry for feminism or any “ism.”
This is a lonely girl, trying her best to seek refuge in herself.
…because she is blessed.
** written July 22, 2017

I used to wait, pray, and wish for the “fairy tale.” Although I do believe they exist, I have come to learn that they aren’t ever going to be like the stories we read or the princess movies we watched on Disney. Love stories; true, honest love stories are raw and organic. They encourage growth, and they sometimes take you out of your comfort zone and thrust you into your full potential – ready or not.

Although, I wrote this poem above and many like it, my “fairy tale” does has a happy ending (even though when its real the magic never ends) and we will get to Prince Charming at another time. But, I’ll tell you this – it wasn’t easy. I spent the majority of my youth in abusive long-term relationships. I didn’t pick myself up and truly find “me” until I was almost 25. After removing everything toxic from my life, (seriously, I quite literally MOVED out of town) I realized that there was beauty in the disaster, in the trauma of it all.
It made me who I am.
It made me strong.
I am full of scars, but within those scars flowers now grow. I found my independence, I found my confidence, and I found my voice. All things I had previously looked to others to give me.

When it comes to “soul searching,” I can’t stress enough the importance of changing your environment to spur personal growth. Had I stayed complacent and in the same town, surrounded by the same people, doing the same things day-to-day, stuck succumbing to the same nasty habits… I would have never found myself. I moved 9 hours away. I didn’t know a single soul where I was going, aside from my parents. I worked on myself, for myself every day. If you’re stuck and struggling and you have the opportunity to get out of the situation you’re in one way or another, LEAP. Have some faith, trust in yourself and who you are for ONCE & get moving. Because looking back now, I can tell you that, that choice alone – saved my life.

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(Sandpoint, ID. Thank you)

You are beautiful and you deserve happiness and if you can find it within yourself the rest will fall harmoniously in to place. To this, I can attest.

Disclaimer: All photography is my own & I reserve the rights to the images.

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